Venting of a Struggling Actor/Waitress, or, Suck It: An Essay

I think everyone should be required to be a server in a restaurant at some point in their lives. Last night a couple middle aged women and their teenage daughters were sitting at my table. I check on then a few times, they said they were fine. At the end of their meal, they said they wanted the check. Then they said, "Oh, we have to leave in 10 minutes, but could you sing happy birthday?" It was 6:20pm, dinner rush time, and at that moment I got triple sat. I said to them, "I'll see what I can do about that." I took all 3 orders, and was going to get the whipped cream to make a "birthday surprise" for their 13-year-old brat, when they got up and left. They passed me saying, "Uh, BIRTHDAY?" I said "Yes, I was actually just going to sing to your daughter right now if you want to wait just a second." "No," they said. "We have to leave." On the way out they complained to the general manager, who happened to be standing there. He then suspended me from work for a whole week.

Nevermind that the policy is 3 write-ups and then you're suspended. Nevermind that the ladies asked me to sing 10 minutes before they had to leave at the height of dinner rush. Nevermind that I am one of the few servers who always does every single bit of their sidework. Nevermind that I am one of their better singers. Without the first warning, I get sent home for a week for my "great infraction," for which apparently I should be thankful they didn't fire me. Now, here are some reasons why people have been fired in the past 4 months...

• Leaving $1000 cash out in the women's bathroom overnight and forgetting to give it to a manager.
• Sleeping with a manager. (which I think is his business and none of the restaurant's, but whatever.)
• Mouthing off and being rude to customers.

How does this make any sense whatsoever? You know, it doesn't matter what the circumstance, if a customer is mad, the server will pay for it. That's why everyone should be required to be a waiter. Those ladies knew that they were giving me short notice to sing happy birthday. Look around! It is busy! I am only 1 person, and I can only be in 1 place at a time. Be patient, or be understanding - you only gave me 10 minutes notice! I mean, of course, if I was a terrible waitress and never checked on you and put the wrong order in, then by all means, COMPLAIN! Whine and scream to a manager for all I care. But that didn't happen. Because I am a good server. And I hope they are able to sleep at night knowing that they cost a struggling actor/waiter $400.

It's ok. People who go around sewing bad karma will get theirs. It will come back to bite them in the ass. And I'm leaving in a month to go do what I love to do.

The Light at the End of the Burger-Slinging Tunnel

Hi, blog readers! All 1 of you. (Hi, Chris!) I've been serving slimey burgers to idiot tourists while singing One Fine Day and flirting with old scraggly burger-mongering men and snotty demanding children for the past 4 months. Most of my conversations go something like this....

Parent of Snotty Child who is Pulling My Hair: "You mean this bowl of soup costs $6?!"
Me: "Yes. I don't make the prices here."
Parent of Snotty Child who is Now Hitting Me In My Face: "That's a rip off!"
Me: "Next time you go somewhere where professional singers put on a huge show for you, and all you have to do is order a $6 bowl of soup, call me."

Huzzah! Too bad I have to leave in a month to go do Lucky Stiff followed by the Fireside's band show. Darn. Here are the fun things of note I have done since I last blogged...

• Saw the Public Theatre's production of Hair in Central Park at the Delacorte. Amazing. Loved it. I don't get this enthusiastic about theatre unless it's really good.
• Took my mom all around NYC. That's right, you read it. My *mom* actually came up to visit me in New York! I know, Satan must be freezing right now.
• Saw [title of show] on Broadway, loved it. (It was the 2nd time...I saw it when it played the Vineyard Theatre too.)
• Sat atop a red tourist double-decker tour bus and rode around NYC.
• Waited tables dressed as Priscilla Presley.
• Was offered an awesome acting job without auditioning for it!! (Ok, I mentioned that one before, but I'm super-stoked. Shut up.)